Thoughts at 10 weeks

It's one a.m. and I awake. Don't know what wakes me but mind begins and sleep evades for an hour or more. This is how it's been this week, my 10th week of pregnancy. Tonight it's the same and rather than fight, I get up and softly making my way from the bedroom, I grab pen and paper from the desk and, curled up in woolen blanket, under soft light of single lamp and fireplace glow, I write. I need to get my thoughts out and down into words I can read.

I was 10 weeks along when the agonizing experience of loss ripped through body and soul with my first miscarriage, over 2 1/2 years ago. I thought that I would be fine coming into my 10th week with this pregnancy but the truth is striking, unexpected, real.

I am unsure, unsettled, every twinge, sensation within, is noted. Questions of whether I still feel pregnant or not tumble back and forth through my mind. I feel so well, physically, and maybe the lack of nausea means that something's not right?

And not a day this week has gone by that I haven't thought about the baby I lost.

I haven't spoken of the inner turmoil but I sense that Husband feels it too and that we will both breathe a sigh of relief to see this week pass behind us. I know these thoughts are not realistic or logical but who thinks of that in matters of the heart.

Yet, I am still surprised at my thoughts. I had felt so confident that the Lord was protecting me from fear. And He has and is. It's not so much fear that I feel as just unsettling thoughts about the awfulness of my first miscarriage playing through my mind. And just an eagerness to get to 13 weeks when I will be able to hear the steady and sure rhythm of baby's heartbeat.

On Friday evening, we went out, him and I, just the two of us, for a little shopping. Unplanned and unexpected we found ourselves in the maternity store of the mall. Then to the back, belly pillow in place, with bated breath I tried on an outfit.

I stood there, alone, behind the curtain, gazing at the transformation of my shape. The beauty of a woman with child makes my heart ache. Yes, the "belly" was not real but I knew that beneath, tucked away within my womb was a baby, with fingers and toes already developed, with tiny features beginning to show, a precious body being formed in the image of God and my heart swelled with the wonder of it.

I am anticipating with such excitement the changing of my body as the baby grows. And, yes, with his urging me to do so, we bought some items, though I am hardly showing and won't wear them for a few weeks yet, and then headed out for dessert.

And as we sat, facing each other, he reached across the table for my hand and gently asked, "Have you thought about any names yet?"

I lowered my eyes and shook my head, "I haven't really dared to go there."

He understands.

But the next day I am feeling the need to combat the unsettling thoughts in my head and so we talk, mention different names, ones we've always liked but haven't had the chance to use yet, we look up the meanings and discuss some more. We talk about my thoughts on setting up the baby room, especially the cradle that he built which has rocked all three of our boys. How I long to take it out of storage, clean it, make new bedding for it and just let my hand caress along its rails... and dream.

This is new for us, we are tentative. We haven't hardly talked about the baby together at all yet during these first 10 weeks. Does that seem terrible? Maybe. But, though I have my inner hopes and quiet dreams, I just can't seem to voice them. Voicing them just makes it seem that I am taking it for granted that we can keep this baby. Is my trust in the Lord a little shaky? No. I know that the Lord is sovereign that He knows all things, that He loves me and knows me and I can fully and utterly put my life and that of my baby in His hands.

And so the outward calm portrayed throughout the days this week have in some way managed to mask the inner tumultuous thoughts but as I sit here in the quiet of the night, I know I must continue to pray and search my heart for words of scripture. Never stop. His tender promises soothe my soul.

" For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2Tim. 1:7
"Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord." Psalm 31:24
"And the peace of God which passes all understanding will keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:7

And so I rest in the Lord and the hope and peace He provides. He is my strength and my song.

Love Amazing

Once upon a time she dreamed...
of babies and blankets, of home and happiness,
playing for hours in attic room were vaulted ceiling hugged in close,
and rows of shoe boxes along the wall held baby dolls
tucked tight for naps.

Then she grew, put dolls away
for bigger and better...her prince had come.
Four years later, happiness...finally... a precious tiny baby.
And as years went by, another and another...
and then, lo and behold... another!

But something happened, then,
to shatter hopes and scatter dreams.
That little treasure tucked within...
passed away... and life would never be the same.

Through darkness of sorrow, though, and wounded soul,
she felt comfort and love like never before.
That love, of her Heavenly Father,
so strong and pure, so true and gentle.

And she knows he will never leave her, so she lives again,
gathering pieces, thanking him for her earthly prince
and their heritage of three,
resting in her Father's arms, looking to the day...

That day when she will see her child
for the first time
in that beautiful place
of happily ever after.

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On July 15 of 2007 I miscarried at 10 weeks gestation. I have wanted to write my feelings about this ever since, in a way that would show just how much I felt the powerful presence of God and his amazing love during this heartache in my life... and so this is it. I am thankful to finally have it written out... my heart thoughts put into words... so that I will never forget how deep is the Father's love for me.

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Related post by L.L. Barkat at Seedlings in Stone.
Photo: I'm on my way to the ball... June 2008