Friday, March 5, 2010

"150"

he says, "sounds good."

And I smile, nod, straining to hear around his murmured words.

"Normal's between 120-160."

And I breathe shallow, soaking in the swish, swish sound, the heartbeat of my baby.

Then all too soon, the button is switched to off, the jelly is wiped away and I think, "That's it? Just a few seconds? Do you not understand that I have been waiting weeks for this moment?"

I stare longingly at the Doppler, resting silent on his desk and I wish I could hear that beautiful sound again.

He doesn't understand, obviously, it's not his baby that has been longed for, prayed for, cried for. He's just the doctor, listening to the heartbeats of countless little ones every month.

I pull back the curtain that hid me from the faces of my loved ones. Search husbands eyes, asking, "Did you hear?"

"Clear as day" he says, and smiles.

I resented that curtain. I wanted to see the wonder on the faces of my children when they heard the heartbeat of their new brother or sister tucked within their mother's belly.

The doctor is asking questions, something about "will you choose to abort if tests show a baby with downs-syndrome, spina bifida, etc. etc." and he goes on and on while I shake my head through a haze of disgust and horror that anyone could even think to kill their own baby just because they thought it wouldn't be "perfect".

I am insulted and pained that he would ask and decline to even be tested. Doesn't he realize how I've ached to have another child?

Then I realize it's just protocol. He has to ask, though he knows our answer. I nod, okay, I understand... but I still hurt.

This child is being formed by our heavenly Father. (Psalm 139:13)

We then go on to other things. When do I want an ultrasound? I say I'll wait 'till 19 weeks.

It's booked and we leave the office, heading out into the sunshine of another beautiful March morning and husband says to the children, "Well boys, what do you think?"

We hadn't let them know about the baby until now.

"Mom's gonna have a baby" Jayden says. And that's it. No smiles or hugs or dancing from them. It must need to soak in a bit yet.

But the response of my loving husband was one I'll treasure. A simple hug and kiss by the car door and a whispered, "I'm so happy!"

April 14th is the scheduled day for the ultrasound.

I am excited.

Photo: 13 weeks pregnant

10 comments:

  1. And I am excited for you, my friend! How wonderful to hear that little heartbeat. Growing...what joy.

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  2. Praise the LORD God ALMIGHTY!!!!!
    Congratulations and may you have a wonderful and peace filled weekend!

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  3. Katrina...thanks for sharing a special moment. I wish that they would have the doppler on the entire time they do the exam or ask their questions and what not. It brings such joy to a mother. Have a great weekend!

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  4. Oh, my friend, my friend - God is so good!! Oh, the joy of hearing that sound... thanks for sharing!

    And don't you look cute!

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  5. Oooh! I am excited too! And so touched by your words! I felt my heart catch as I read. Much love to you dear friend, today we rejoice in new life and our Father who is so mighty and faithful! xoxoxox

    Christine

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  6. Oooo, convulshions!!!! So happy and excited for you!!! :) Love love you!

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  7. Oh how sweet! Praying many blessings over your new little one!

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  8. Wow, this almost brought me to tears. So excited for you guys.

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I appreciate your thoughts and read each and every one... thank you!